SO. I have not been updating this space but I feel compelled to type today. I find that everytime I'm going through a transition, from happy to sad/high to low and vice versa, I need to type. I need to get my thoughts out. I just got back from China. The trip was part of the big SEA trip that I've been wanting to do.
The original plan was supposed to be Singapore - China but I guess given the practicalities of my situation - I'd covered most of Malaysia and most of the other SEAsian countries in the past years, I didn't want to do the whole stretch alone, I had Mengying to do Vietnam with - I decided to let myself let go of my fixation on SEA Overland and just cover Vietnam and China. I used to think a trip like that would need a lot of planning and pre-arranging but after all the travelling I've done and because I wasn't rushing against time, I let this trip be super chill and relaxed. We came up with an outline on our schedule, threw in stuff we knew we wanted to do and basically just went with the flow for the rest of it.
Initially I wanted to just cover Vietnam and a bit of China but my plans developed and I became fixated on the possibility of staying in China for longer. I tried to get a 3 month visa in Singapore but was met with the need of having evidence of travel out of China. How I'm expected to have something like that booked when I don't even know if I'll get a visa - I don't know! So I decided to give up on getting the visa in Singapore and decided to go to Hanoi to do it instead. At this point in time, I was leaving it up to fate and was being very chill about it. If it worked out, I'd stay longer, if not, I'd come home. BUTTT as the trip went on, my fixation on staying longer in China grew. I reaaaally wanted to at least get my butt to Yunnan. We had a small window of 4 hours to do my visa application in Hanoi but that window closed when we arrived in the city later than we expected. Met with yet another bump in my plan, I calmly decided that I would get an extension in China instead. It was my last resort. I wasn't sure if it would work but I would try it. My gut already told me when I was back in Singapore that it might not work out and as always, my gut was right. Free visas can't get extensions in China. Info was scarce online and I couldn't have known. Given that I had already told my family I would come back if the visa didn't work out, I decided to do that. Bought a flight home and decided to spend the rest of my time in Yangshuo.
I told myself it would be fine, Yunnan can wait, I shouldn't push it, I should keep to my word, my family wants me home. I was doing good making peace with my decision until I got to Yangshuo again. I started rockclimbing, hanging out with these guys, getting into a bit of a routine, getting comfortable. As 7 September drew closer, the inner battle became louder. I didn't want to leave but I had to. I was legitimately sad the whole way to the airport and had a shit time trying to keep my emotions together. I kept wanting to cry, tearing up thinking about the past days, the moments, the people. Waking up in my own bed that first morning back broke my heart. I cried. I don't think I'd ever gotten withdrawal that bad before. I wasn't ready to be back and yet here I was.
Fast forward a couple of days, my emotions have calmed down a bit and I'm now playing with the possibility of going back to China. Not to go back to how amazing my last couple of days in Yangshuo had been but to go back to do what I wanted to do. Yunnan. I woke up yesterday morning, scrolled through my insta feed and it dawned on me that I wanted to do a good hike. I hadn't done it this year. Rinjani was supposed to be it but that didn't work out, Sapa fed that craving but it wasn't enough. That was what I wanted. I want the freedom of just travelling without commitments or a fixed plan and I want to feed the adventurous soul in me. The one in search of a good cycle in amazing landscape, a good hike that'll leave me breathless.
I'm not saying for certain what I'm going to do next but it will involve one of those things. China is a definite consideration. We'll see how things go. Cup half empty is I'm sad and moping about the days past and cup half full is me realizing I still have all this freedom, there is no pressure to settle and I can figure out what I want to do next in terms of travel. It is all good.
